Now that I’ve been a mother for over five years, my perspective on all things parenthood and little boys has changed dramatically. I find myself saying things to my kids I swore I never would when I was a child. Yet here I am saying all of these things and more. Some of the most endearing, frightening and disgusting are the following:
- Get out of the oven.
- I don’t care if you keep your pacifier until you graduate from high school. Random people at Costco trying to shame me into taking it away from my two-year-old don’t bother me.
- Get out of the dryer.
- Get out of the dishwasher.
- Throw a tantrum all you want in public. I don’t get embarrassed and you still aren’t getting that toy.
- Stop poking the dog in the eye.
- Do not rub boogers on my shirt. Use your own shirt.
- Do not pee on the floor.
- Do not poop on the floor.
- Do not rub poop on the wall.
- I will pay you $50 to eat this tiny piece of broccoli so I don’t feel like a nutritional failure.
- Don’t eat the dog’s food.
- Yes, you can have gummy snacks for breakfast.
- Juvie is where bad kids go who don’t listen to their parents.
- Get off of the stove.
- Passing gas on me is not symbolic of love, and I’ll never accept it as such.
- Why are there preschool sized footprints on my dining room table?
- You can sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep in your bed and Daddy can sleep on the couch. At this point I don’t care where I sleep; I just want to sleep.
- No, that lady is not Daddy. Stop calling her “Daddy.”
- You can’t play outside without wearing clothes.
- Underwear only does not constitute clothes.
- Darth Vader went to the Dark Side because someone treated him badly and he couldn’t stand the pain.
- You have to wash your hands after you go to the potty because you will turn into a zombie if you don’t.
- Man, I had no idea “Poopy pants diaper change” would end up being the funniest joke ever.
- Toy Story on Ice was AWESOME!
This piece was originally published in the April 11, 2012 edition of The Fort Mill Times.
5 Comments on "Yo’ Mama: Kids make you say the darndest things"
The one I never expected to say: “Don’t lick the cat.”
Right, Nichole? You would think that would be a given. We really do have to teach them everything.
If you don’t let me cut your toe nails, you are going to turn into a werewolf.
Bwahahaha. That’s awesome, Jamie!
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