This month I’m participating in NaNoWriMo. Since I won’t have as much time to blog, I asked some of my favorite bloggers to guest post for me – and some of them were actually willing to do it. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do; they have become my friends through this crazy little thing known as the internet, and I’m grateful for their support. -Tricia
By Anne Parris
Learning how to parent is a skill that takes years to learn and perfect. I find that young, childless adults have a lot of theories on how to raise children. So many theories!
This is totally adorable. Please tell me about you child-raising theories, childless people. I haven’t had a good laugh since Hee Haw went off the air.
I have sixty-six cumulative years of parenting experience. Go ahead and tell me how I should “pick my battles”. Come back and let me know how that works for you when you have a kid who thinks a two-hour shower is a right guaranteed under the Constitution and another one who won’t take the garbage out because she is “afraid of raccoons”.
Currently I‘m dealing with TWO daughters with PMS. There is too much estrogen under one roof. Did you know three hormonal women is the Chinese symbol for the Apocalypse? Hershey should just send me an aid package every 28 days. 
I mostly feel sorry for my husband. He had an older mother and no sisters, so all of this has been a bit of a shock to him. We don’t talk about my period. When it’s my time, I just wear ugly pajamas to bed.
Last week we were cattle-prodding teens into the car for a magical journey to Grandma’s for Thanksgiving. “Try not to take this personally”, I said, “this is PMS talking. Just don’t look them directly in the eyes or get within spitting range.”
“When does her head stop rotating, and at what point do we call in a priest?” he asked.
Luckily, I’d packed snacks for our car trip. Once the kids had their Nyquil popsicles and I’d finished my Paxil smoothie with vodka extract, the sixteen-hour drive was great!
The most fun you can have during holidays is to see your adult, childless relatives. You can practically see what they’re thinking when your child makes a big deal over not wanting the stuffing with oysters in it.
Don’t judge me when I tell my daughter that it’s called oyster stuffing because it’s made with oyster crackers. Lying is a time-honored method of getting kids to do stuff. What is Santa Claus if not a beloved character who gets kids to behave for three months?
Now there’s this creepy new thing called the Elf of the Shelf. Have you seen it? It’s this nightmare-faced toy that hides around the house monitoring the behavior of children.
If we had one of those, I’d paint its eyes with glow in the dark paint and hide it in a kid’s room at night. Sweet dreams, Pumpkin!
Here are some of my favorite parenting tips:
Don’t give into their pleas for a dog unless you like touching poop. A lot.
They will also promise to take care of the new cat. See above, and add eviscerated chipmunk parts.
Don’t let them ever watch Caillou. Because Caillou causes ear-cancer. They don’t want ear-cancer, do they?
Ten percent of all candy from candy-related holidays is forfeit to “The Mom Tax”. Fifteen percent if there are a lot of Kit Kats.
I love being a mom. I think everyone should have kids. It’s the best excuse to watch cartoons, buy toys, and drink juice boxes. I may have another just because the playgroups around here have such good snacks!
Anne Parris used to be a skinny accountant. Then she had kids and firmly moved into the Yoga-Pant Years.
33 Comments on "Advice from an old mom"
Old mom my arse.
SIXTY-SIX YEARS!
Also, I have seen your arse in jeans. It’s spectacular.
I was the bearer of bad news last weekend when my sister was perplexed by her soon to be eight year old daughter announcing in a pique of emotion that she did not want a birthday party (after invitations had been sent). I told her she might have another year of mostly sweetness, but then the maelstrom would begin.
I hope you got a special little tingle from the look on her face.
Love this! Thanks for putting a smile on my face this morning!
Thanks for commenting. It’s like crack for me. Mmm, sweet, sweet comments!
Anne, I am laughing and loved everything on this list. Thank you for shining a light on all the fun that happens with our older kids.
I wish I’d had more “dress them up in pink” times, but I enjoyed what I did get.
This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.
My favorite line is this one, “Currently I‘m dealing with TWO daughters with PMS. There is too much estrogen under one roof. Did you know three hormonal women is the Chinese symbol for the Apocalypse? Hershey should just send me an aid package every 28 days.”
It would be a community service!
Anne, you’re dead right. I have over 100 years of cumulative parenting experience and I’m convinced that I know NOTHING about raising kids.
Yes, the older they get the less I am sure I know.
Thanks for the laughs. I have 144 years cumulative years. Had boys and finally got a girl when I was 43. Wow, what a different world raising her has been and talk about spoiled.
We should get some sort of indicator of our cumulative parenting years, pr CPY. Diamonds, maybe?
I am terrified of the Elf on the Shelf. The thought of its glowing eyes is helping me right along to full-fledged phobia.
Also, can we please not talk about two pms-ing girls at once? I’m still in the denial years. Thanks.
Oh, I don’t mean YOUR girls. It’s never going to happen to your kids. :pats head: ;)
I am wondering if you can just sign up for automatic delivery of chocolate from Amazon… Hmm.. I might just have to check into that.
The company that makes this happen will be bazillionaires!
FIRMLY into the yoga pants. Heh heh heh.
Okay, not so firmly!
I have 3 girls.
Oh honey. Prepare the cages.
The rest of my comment isn’t showing. There should be a “Deep sigh” after “I have 3 girls.”
I sighed for you. Maybe it’s just my kids? I think about that a lot.
This made me laugh. I’m liking the idea of the vodka smoothie…I might need that for the next family get together. Want to send me the recipe? :-)
Oh, and as the mother of sons…I’d just like to say that ages 11-13 are for them 3 years of PMS rage. Nonstop. Without the benefit of ever having three weeks off a month. No one warned me. Ever.
Recipe for vodka smoothie.
Take one travel mug. Fill with vodka.
Love the cattle-prodding to Grandma’s. BTDT And I was totally shocked to find that boys have pms, too, you just don’t know when it’s going to happen.
Hi Sharon! Yes, I call that “Testosterone Poisoning” .
Here it started at fourteen and went until… Well, I’ll let you know.
You are SO not an old mom. I’m trying to do the math to calculate how many consecutive years I’ve been parenting but alas, my accounting skills have diminished with my brain cells. Where is the blasted 10 key. Oh, they don’t have 10 keys anymore, do they? Someone help me: 35+32+22+20+17 = TOO MAN YEARS TO FATHOM!
Erma would have loved you Anne. I know I do.
I have a ten key. Any excuse to put that bad boy out and commence to calculatin’.
Erma still makes me happy. I don’t think anyone will have that kind of longevity now. We can only hope to amuse while we can.
I don’t threaten my boys with Santa or that stupid Elf. I threaten to tell them all my inner-most worries and insecurities as a mother.
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