This month I’m participating in NaNoWriMo. Since I won’t have as much time to blog, I asked some of my favorite bloggers to guest post for me – and some of them were actually willing to do it. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do; they have become my friends through this crazy little thing known as the internet, and I’m grateful for their support. -Tricia
By Anne Parris
Learning how to parent is a skill that takes years to learn and perfect. I find that young, childless adults have a lot of theories on how to raise children. So many theories!
This is totally adorable. Please tell me about you child-raising theories, childless people. I haven’t had a good laugh since Hee Haw went off the air.
I have sixty-six cumulative years of parenting experience. Go ahead and tell me how I should “pick my battles”. Come back and let me know how that works for you when you have a kid who thinks a two-hour shower is a right guaranteed under the Constitution and another one who won’t take the garbage out because she is “afraid of raccoons”.
Currently I‘m dealing with TWO daughters with PMS. There is too much estrogen under one roof. Did you know three hormonal women is the Chinese symbol for the Apocalypse? Hershey should just send me an aid package every 28 days.
I mostly feel sorry for my husband. He had an older mother and no sisters, so all of this has been a bit of a shock to him. We don’t talk about my period. When it’s my time, I just wear ugly pajamas to bed.
Last week we were cattle-prodding teens into the car for a magical journey to Grandma’s for Thanksgiving. “Try not to take this personally”, I said, “this is PMS talking. Just don’t look them directly in the eyes or get within spitting range.”
“When does her head stop rotating, and at what point do we call in a priest?” he asked.
Luckily, I’d packed snacks for our car trip. Once the kids had their Nyquil popsicles and I’d finished my Paxil smoothie with vodka extract, the sixteen-hour drive was great!
The most fun you can have during holidays is to see your adult, childless relatives. You can practically see what they’re thinking when your child makes a big deal over not wanting the stuffing with oysters in it.
Don’t judge me when I tell my daughter that it’s called oyster stuffing because it’s made with oyster crackers. Lying is a time-honored method of getting kids to do stuff. What is Santa Claus if not a beloved character who gets kids to behave for three months?
Now there’s this creepy new thing called the Elf of the Shelf. Have you seen it? It’s this nightmare-faced toy that hides around the house monitoring the behavior of children.
If we had one of those, I’d paint its eyes with glow in the dark paint and hide it in a kid’s room at night. Sweet dreams, Pumpkin!
Here are some of my favorite parenting tips:
Don’t give into their pleas for a dog unless you like touching poop. A lot.
They will also promise to take care of the new cat. See above, and add eviscerated chipmunk parts.
Don’t let them ever watch Caillou. Because Caillou causes ear-cancer. They don’t want ear-cancer, do they?
Ten percent of all candy from candy-related holidays is forfeit to “The Mom Tax”. Fifteen percent if there are a lot of Kit Kats.
I love being a mom. I think everyone should have kids. It’s the best excuse to watch cartoons, buy toys, and drink juice boxes. I may have another just because the playgroups around here have such good snacks!
Anne Parris used to be a skinny accountant. Then she had kids and firmly moved into the Yoga-Pant Years.